Years ago when I was single and dating, I also enjoyed the weekly stint with the electronic choke chain…uh…emergency beeper that is. Of course when I was bored and rested, there was nothing on TV, I was feeling well, no one was visiting, and I had no dates, then the pager never seemed to work. Change any of the aforementioned criteria, and the Energizer bunny was jealous of the beeper’s battery life! Often this would end in a cancelled, rescheduled, or truncated date night (which actually was not a bad thing on a few occasions…allowing for a graceful end to a painful evening. They were not all “Keepers.”) One particular time, it led to a great story.
I had been dating this one lady for several months, and we had gone to the gym together to exercise, talk, and spend time together. Of course this was a beeper week, but I would have gone to work out anyway at that time. We went together in one car, not really worried about the beeper. A good 30 minutes into our workout time the beeper went off. The message was about an iguana with a growth on its rear that was bleeding. Since the emergency clinic at the time did not routinely have anyone on staff that saw exotics, we got a lot of calls about these different species. I told my date that I would be just a minute as I needed to call and see just how pressing this was. She was very understanding as this was not her first experience with my beeper week.
I called the owner and determined that the iguana most likely had a prolapsed cloaca. For the uninitiated in exotics, please let me clarify. The cloaca is the rear opening in reptiles and birds that acts as the opening for the digestive system, the urinary system and the genital system. A prolapse is basically a spilling out or turning inside out of an organ. So basically, we had an iguana with a majorly severe case of hemorrhoids!
This often happens when reptiles or birds strain too much from a blockage, a tumor, or a digestive disorder. Many times we are able to shrink the swelling, gently work it back in place, and then suture a drawstring-like suture to help hold it in while we are treating the underlying disorder. I was perfectly confident that this was going to be like so many others, so there was no need to take my date home first as I would be in and out quickly! Yep, Aggies are GREAT seers!
We met the owner at the clinic and this iguana was very pretty, as iguanas go. Her name was Stoney and she was 3-4 feet long if you include the tail (and as you will see, there was no way to forget the tail!). Sure enough Stoney had a dark purple mass about the size of a racquetball on her vent (cloaca). It looked very inflamed and painful. (You guys aren’t eating right now are you?) I discussed everything with the owner, took Stoney back, started anesthesia with a mask so I could reduce the swelling and put in the suture. My date graciously offered to help, and I think she thought it was actually rather cool!
I was able to reduce everything and get it back in place, install the suture and everything looked great! We would be back on our date shortly I was sure.
Then Stoney woke up.
She wasn’t very happy about the whole thing, but the real problem was that the straining that caused the problem in the first place increased greatly upon waking up! She strained HARD against the suture, and managed to get right back where we started, but through an opening much too small to use the same method again. Stoney needed surgery. I needed to go in and sew her cloaca to the inside wall of her body so that she could not push it out again.
I must say I was a little perturbed with this iguana that she did not understand I was on a date and that she was supposed to respond to the procedure like all of the others had! There are not many things much more frustrating than a non-conformist reptile! In a little bit of a frustrated huff, I went back to the front to discuss the need for surgery with the owner and get permission to proceed. I left my date in the surgery room with Stoney on a light plane of anesthesia, never considering this would be an issue. I often had to do the same with technicians while I went to talk to owners.
After returning from walking the owner out and locking up (it was about 9 PM I guess at this point), I returned to surgery to find my date glaring at me with a mixture of fear, revulsion, and discontent. Stoney was doing fine and stable, but my date was not! I caught her expression and in my infinite male wisdom, I said, “What?” She said “I can’t believe you left me here with this thing! What if it woke up?” I assured her it was fine and there was no harm done.
I proceeded to get things ready for surgery, and gave Stoney an injection that along with the gas would aid in keeping her down better for the actual surgery. Something you must understand about reptiles and anesthesia is that due to their differing metabolism, they handle anesthetics differently than mammals. Because they have slower metabolisms, they need less of some drugs, but may need more of others. After giving the injection and starting on the mask, Stoney’s leg suddenly dropped to the table, which is not necessarily a bad thing, it can just mean that the injection has finally kicked in, but my date was certain Stoney had just passed. I removed the mask in order to get a closer look at Stoney to assure my date that I had not just killed the patient with a drug overdose.
Then once again, Stoney woke up!
The drug had NOT kicked in yet, but rather the slight burning sensation of this drug made her drop her arm. So she was slightly drunk, in a strange place, with a burning sensation in her arm and a severe case of hemorrhoids. No wonder she was angry. I held on to her with two hands on her upper and lower back while she struggled to get away. I was holding her vertically facing my date as she tried to get the mask back on Stoney’s face to get her back under anesthesia. She squirmed and wriggled and fought (Stoney that is) our efforts to put her under again, all the while flailing my head and face with that massive tail. I know some guys may get slapped on a date, but this was ridiculous! I have no idea just how many strikes she got off on me, but it took a while to get her calmed down again. I think it also didn’t help that the more I got slapped in the face the more my date started laughing, and the more difficult it was for her to concentrate on keeping the mask in place!
The surgery showed Stoney was egg bound, meaning she had eggs too big to pass and that was why she was straining. Many of the eggs had ruptured in the body cavity so I spent a portion of the time soaking up old stringy yolk with gauze. (Still eating?) One more point about the surgery is that during the part where I was doing the equivalent of a spay for Stoney, my date asked a couple of times: “Are you sure you should cut that?” To which she merely got a look, which returned a “Sorry.”
After all was done (several hours later), Stoney looked and felt great, my date had a great story to take to work, and I had wonderful tail marks on my face!
Oh and I forgot to tell you, my date was a nurse so her coworkers really enjoyed the story. That is quite a woman who can endure that and still have a good attitude! She continued to date me until she got married…to me. Despite the stress of the situation, she still agreed to marry me and 2 kids and almost 13 years later I still think:” Yep she’s a Keeper!”
